BOOM!
by wonder boy and evil nasty
Summary: A colourful fic writtten by two best chums. As long as there's humour we'll always be friends. HP/LOTR crossover.


This story was brought to you by the collaboration of Wonderboy and Evil Nasty Man.  
  
Chapter I: BOOM!!!  
  
BOOM!!!  
  
Lots of coughing and spluttering followed the explosion. There was now an eight-foot hole in the ground where the old cauldron used to stand.  
  
"LONGBOTTOM! DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WERE YOU TO PUT DRAGONITE NEAR THE FIRE!!!" Snape hollered furiously at the boy who was now cowering under the potion's master's death glare.  
  
Half the classroom (actually, the Gryffindor side of the classroom) was covered in a green soot that got everywhere. The Slytherin's were holding back their laughter at the sight of all the Gryffindor's in their house- coloured soot.  
  
"Know that your classmate has lost 50 house points for his extreme lack of attention during class." snarled Snape as he made his way to his desk. "And that a detention is in order." With that, the Gryffindor's groaned and Neville was in complete disarray. They spent the next half-hour helping Neville clean up the mess created.  
  
***  
  
Ron, who was working with Neville at the time, gave his partner a deadly stare. Thanks to Neville, he had managed to get the full blast of the explosion and was covered from head to toe in the disgusting bogey-coloured substance. Neville stared up at his angry friend, bashfully, apologetically. At that moment Draco Malfoy strode up to Ron with his two troll-like cronies and gave him a derisive snort.  
  
"Weasley," he spat, "You know something? That colour really goes well with that hair of yours."  
  
Why was Malfoy such a prick? Ron massaged his muscles trying to keep calm but Malfoy's flawless face was just asking for trouble. He got ready to pounce but a flying Neville momentarily distracted him. His clumsy classmate fell to the floor in a heap with an "Ouch".  
  
Ron looked back to the hole where Neville had emerged out of and held on to the nearest table as the dungeon floor began to shake. All eyes were now on the eight-foot hole. The stony floor split open and out jumped none other than Gimli son of Gloin followed by Legolas the elf and, lastly, the rather dashing Aragorn son of Arathorn.  
  
"What did I tell you Aragorn?" a rather annoyed Dwarf asked. "NEVER TRUST AN ELF!"  
  
Strider shrugged his shoulders. All of a sudden, blaring music (stripper music actually- he he!) came on from nowhere and Legolas took on a trance like form. "What new kind of devilry may this be," Strider yelled at the amused students. However no pupil, not even Hermione, answered back and Legolas kept on walking towards Snape's cauldron. He leapt up on to the cauldron's rim and.  
  
***  
  
.Faced the sea of bewildered teens. The blaring music started to form words quite provocatively and to the horror of some of the students (not all), the long haired elf suddenly started to remove his clothes. Legolas threw a shoe into the class smiling seductively as a hoard of Slytherin's (both genders) made for the grubby footwear.  
  
Aragorn closed his eyes and clasped his head in his hand shaking disapprovingly thinking 'Arwen could do this so much better.' Whereas Gimli stood staring at the now topless elf thinking that 'This is one strange Elvish custom! These elves are downright crazy! Never trust an elf!' Harry turned to Ron and found the same amazed expression on his face. The madness of it all was quite amazing. They both faced Hermione who had a rather blushed expression on her face and a small smile playing on her shy face.  
  
"Hey Harry, Ron. Don't you think that long haired stripping elf looks a bit like Gilderoy Lockhart?" Dean asked trying to look anywhere but at the elf. All the boys turned to see a rather striking resemblance of their old Dark Arts professor in the elf.  
  
"Crap! That's disturbing!" Ron finally croaked out.  
  
SNAP!  
  
The sound pierced the music and the stripping elf suddenly fell into the cauldron, on of his rainbow-coloured socks hanging limply off his big toe. He shook his head and jumped out of the cauldron.  
  
"What has happened? And who took my clothes?!" he shrieked and took cover behind the potion's master.  
  
"What is the meaning of this.this.lunacy?! Longbottom! This is all your fault.I'm going to make sure you get expelled!"  
  
"I didn't mean to Professor Snape!" Neville squeaked back hiding behind Ron.  
  
"Snape? Severus Snape?!" The elf began. The potions master turned around to glare at the half-naked elf. But to Legolas, he seemed to turn in slow motion, his inky black robes swishing around him; his hair seemed to blow around his face as if a gentle breeze were there, and his piercing black eyes glaring angrily into his own blue ones. Recognition came to the elf. And he suddenly looked angry.  
  
"SEVERUS SNAPE! WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED AFTER SO MANY YEARS??!!"  
  
***  
  
Snape glared back at the elf. Who the fuck was this maniac? The elf started to advance on him dangerously, seductively.  
  
"That's all right Snapey-babey," Legolas said huskily. "I forgive you."  
  
Now Snape was darn right scared out of his wits. The class stared in awe as he ran as fast as he could away from the blonde-haired being. ("Snapey- baby, come back!!!) The dungeons filled with laughter. 'This is no good,' Snape thought as he saw Legolas advancing on him, 'I'm doomed!'  
  
Legolas prepared to pounce on his lover but was startled when somebody pounced on him. A pair of sapphire eyes glinted up at him through his attacker's tousled blonde hair.  
  
Draco Malfoy tightened his grip on Legolas' leg and wailed, "Why do you chase after him. Can't you see that you and I are meant to be- it's destiny!" (Ooooh! Rhyming!)  
  
Aragorn and Gimli stifled their smiles. Legolas took a good look at the student's face and gasped in recognition.  
  
"Draco?"  
  
"Yes," Draco replied.  
  
Legolas furrowed his eyebrows. "This will be really hard for you to accept Draco but you have to know... Have you not noticed the similarities we share? Our blonde hair, our lithe bodies? Draco... I am your father."  
  
***  
  
Time seemed to stop as Draco looked up at the elf. He could see the similarities in the blonde hair, the eyes, the face.everything. A sudden reality slap hit him and an angry looking Narcissa Malfoy looked at her son.  
  
"Draco, stop man-handling your father in that obscure manner!" she yelped.  
  
"Mamma.he's my dad?" Draco asked unsurely still holding on to the elf's leg.  
  
"He is.It happened a long time ago, but now it's over since he ran off with Snape because I secretly loved Lucius but he was to lustful for Snape so Leggy here ran off with Snape so that I could have Lucius but before he left he left me pregnant with you and now he's back and I don't know what he's going to do." said Narcissa without taking a breath while speaking that whole sentence.  
  
Legolas looked anxiously at his son. And nearly fell backwards as the boy glomped him in an enormous hug.  
  
"Awwww!" said the whole class looking at the father-son moment.  
  
"Beautiful.just so beautiful!" sniffled Gimli and blew into his handkerchief. Aragorn patted him comfortingly.  
  
Suddenly, a figure clad in silvery-grey robes acrobatted out of the eight- foot hole in the ground. He had arrows at the ready in case any one attacked him. His hood fell down and the class saw another man with long blonde hair.  
  
"Haldir! What are you doing here?" Aragorn exclaimed.  
  
"I've been looking for you! The care-less ring bearer left the bloody ring in Lothlorien! Where is Frodo? I'll kill him! Galadriel looks right scary when she comes near it. I had to get rid of it, or Celeborn would start crying and it's right annoying when he does that. Imagine.a husband scared of his own wife!" Haldir huffed.  
  
He stopped and looked at everyone's astonished faces around him.  
  
"Where are we?" he asked very puzzled, " I don't think this is Mordor." He stated the obvious.  
  
"You are currently standing on a very pissed off Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Snape spat.  
  
"Cool! Did Gandalf train here?" he asked, still standing on the wheezing professor.  
  
"NO! NOW WILL YOU GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" Snape yelled.  
  
"Oohhh.touchy." Haldir said and got off of him, helping him up. It was then he got a real glimpse of the Professor's face.  
  
"Severus Snape? OH MY GOD!" Haldir exclaimed. Snape cringed as he had a bad feeling about this.  
  
"What?" Snape asked. The elf slapped him.  
  
"YOU BITCH! NO NOTE! NO 'BYE HONEY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER!' NO 'I'LL BE LEAVING YOU SOON BUT REMEMBER I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU' SHIT?!?!?!'" The elf yelled and broke into tears.  
  
*** 


End file.
